This was my end of a recent conversation about health, conditioning, and whether to run a particular race:
“I mean I’ve barely run for three weeks and I’ve lost so much conditioning I’m afraid all I can do is the half marathon.”
I’m quite aware that may sound hollow to a good deal of people, I get that. The race we were discussing is a 50k – 31.1-Miles – considerably longer than a half marathon and one for which one really needs to train. I’m no where near that level of fitness right now.
My friend did not let me off the hook so easily. I was looking for affirmation, “yes, of course. You’re not your best you for reasons outside of your control. It’s okay. Build up to it.” That’s not what I got. I was looking for excuses; I got a reality check.
“‘barely,’ ‘lost,’ ‘afraid’ are all I see in what you just said… Come on man, if it’s a half marathon kick the crap out of it, if its a 50K finish, if it’s a 5K set a course record.”
“I mean I’ve barely run for three weeks and I’ve lost so much conditioning I’m afraid all I can do is the half marathon.”
A lot of negativity in one 23-word sentence.
Then, the kicker, because ever since undergrad I’ve been interested in how language affects us, how we use it to convey meta-messages, how it can be used like Jiu Jitsu to disarm verbal attacks: “Language can be as bad for your health as drinking beer, and having a heart attack while in the garage on Facebook.” Ouch. I was letting fear control my thoughts; and in turn I was letting that negative thinking control my words. My actions. I was letting myself off the hook with excuses; setting the bar low so I could attain a marginal victory. I was failing to control my inner dialogue and failing to let my positive thoughts control my language.
I was thinking that I could do the Half Marathon and get by. He was challenging me to set a personal best. He made it okay to run the 5k variation, if I was going to set a course record. He made it okay to simply finish the ultra-marathon. Jiu Jitsu. He took the control the fear had over me, and used it against itself.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”
Internal dialogue is a powerful thing. It controls your definition of success and it determines whether you’ll allow yourself to achieve it. It is the difference between continuing when you don’t want to and regretting you didn’t continue. It’s the difference between embracing your limits and setting artificial ones.
My motto for 2017 was “goals without fear,” and yet I started 2018 allowing fear to control my thoughts. Am I in condition for a long race? Probably not, but that’s not what I said. I said I was letting fear control how I was thinking about it, and not, as I believed, making an honest assessment of my current fitness.
The race is 20 days away – longer than I was laid up. If I want it, I can get myself back to my previous condition, whether or not that’s ‘race ready.’ The idea isn’t that I should or shouldn’t run the race, it’s that I should not let fear, loss, and barely control my thoughts.
It’s about the courage to see just where my inner power may be. Its the courage to see that light as power and not fear; to speak from a place of strength, not weakness.
“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
If you let fear control your thoughts, you allow fear to control your words. If you let fear control your words, it ultimately controls your destiny. Charting your course is hard enough as it is, why make it more difficult by allowing that inner darkness control your destiny?
Mo's Marketplace 
Wow. This is such a wonderful post. My kind of stuff. Thank you so much for writing it! I mean, it just gave me this energy that I can do anything I want. Because each and every single one of us is capable of greatness. Brilliant.
And, yes, I agree. Our thoughts control our lives. For most people, though, it’s the other way around. They let their thoughts control them. They never realize their own power, their own ability to create the life they want with only their minds.
What you believe you become!
Thank you for those kind words. At the end of the day, I decided on the half marathon after all. Not out of fear, but out of a realization that I’d rather run the half and give it everything I have than simply finish the 50k.
I’m defining success by giving myself the best chance to demonstrate my ability to recover than by my ability to endure. Both valid, but one will be a better measure of where I need to be.