My Level I Grievance Against Santa Claus

Mr. Santa Claus

North Pole

I represent Mo Morrissey. As his representative, this will serve as formal notification of a Level I grievance, as required under the social contract between S. Claus, Inc. (hereinafter known as “Santa”) and “All the Good Boys and Girls” (hereinafter known as “the Kids”), for the inappropriate placing of Mo on the “Naughty” list and without good cause.

Speaking to Mo’s membership in the “the Kids” class, while he is sufficiently of age as to no longer be covered by the term “boy,” we refer you to the 1944 Mel Torme song, “The Christmas Song,” wherein the group “kids” is defined as “…from one to ninety-two.” As this definition has gone unchallenged, it is the working definition of those covered under this social contract, and Mo clearly falls within the boundaries.

We take the position that Santa without good cause placed him on the “Naughty” list and treated Mo as such for purposes of gift giving in the Christmas of 2014. Any evidence that Mo has, in fact, been naughty this year, is procedurally barred due to the failure to properly notify him of this assignment to the naughty list.

Article I of the social contract states that no kid will be placed on the naughty list without good cause and Santa will not arbitrarily or capriciously appoint such kid to the naughty list without due process. Mo was given no notice of his placement on the Naughty list, nor was any opportunity given to hear evidence or speak to the charges against him. Santa, in this case, placed Mo on the list in violation of the social contract.

Placement on the naughty list carries with it not only the stigma of having achieved a special sort of notoriety, but the additional penalty of a sub-par showing of presents on Christmas morning as defined by a minimal number of items under the tree as requested in his Article II “letter to Santa” (this document – which was delivered to the North Pole in the required format, no less than 3 weeks before Christmas morning as required – is enclosed with this letter). Imagine Mo’s surprise when, upon waking up to find Santa indeed came to his home, he found little of what he asked for on his Christmas list. The return receipt clearly shows “Hermie the Elf” signed for his letter two days after Thanksgiving day.

In consideration of Santa’s violations of procedure, we submit the following remedy of this grievance for your consideration. Removal of Mo’s name from the 2014 Naughty list, and an additional item from his Article II letter to Santa, with preference being given the SUV or in the alternative, we would be willing to consider the requested number of gold bullion bars.

In the absence of settlement, please confirm with my office a date and time for a grievance hearing. We are certainly interested in concluding this matter at the earliest possible stages of the grievance process as a protracted grievance serves no ones interest – particularly as you begin your winter vacation. Please do, though, bear in mind, the time requirements of the grievance process.

Sincerely,

The offices of Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe